It finally hits me!

I spoke with my Oncologist Tuesday evening and then met with my surgeon yesterday afternoon to get a game plan going. I was at the Dr's office 3 and 1/2 hours!! Basically he just went over that I do indeed have cancer and that there really is no choice, but to have a Mastectomy. I spoke to him about the possibilities of having a double Mastectomy for a couple of different reasons. One: I don't want to have to worry about cancer in the other breast. Although they say that it doesn't reduce the risk of getting it again. Not sure the reasoning behind it, but if they are going to take the one because it will get rid of the cancer, then take the other one too!!! Two: Ladies, you will understand this one. Let's just say I only had one removed and I am a little older and gravity sets in. I would look mighty ridiculous with one perky silicone breast and one saggy natural breast don't you think? I know that I am getting into the vanity side of it and I shouldn't worry about all that, but I just know that once they are gone, my self esteem is going to suffer and atleast I have something to look forward to. I will feel like a woman again.

I am having my oopharectomy (ovary removal) on September 8th at 1pm. This will be one night stay in the lovely St. Vincent's Hospital. Then the following Tuesday, September 12th at 1:45pm, I will have my double Mastectomy and a port inserted, so that they can administer the chemo. This will also require a one night stay, but at the lovely Baptist Hospital. 2 different hospitals and 2 different types of Dr's are the reasons for that. I could have gone to another gynecologist within Baptist Hospital, but that would have prolonged things as I would have to set up appointments, get their opinion, etc. I just don't want to wait on all that. I am just ready to get this thing moving!! So last night after my mom and I left the hospital, I think that it finally hit us both!! Everything starting to sink in. I started experiencing some anxiety or "something" earlier this week. Monday night I only slept about 3 hours. Tuesday night I had broken sleep which was caused from a bad dream.

I dreamed that I was lying on the operating table and that my Doctor made his Laproscopic incision which is about an inch long on my belly. He began to pull my ovary out of that hole and show it to me. YES I WAS AWAKE!!! I could see the organ and how it was attached to this thin muscle and when he pulled it tight, he took a razor blade and sliced the ovary off. I could feel the burning sensation. No bleeding just uncomfortable pain. Needless to say I was a bit freaked out when I woke up. Which is really weird cause I really don't think that I am worried about that surgery. Matter of fact once I get rid of this ovary it will eliminate alot of the current issues I have been having. Abdominal pain, bloating, digestive issues (not going any further with that one), lower back pain, irregular periods. I will be SOOOO GLAD when it is gone!!

So after seeing the surgeon yesterday afternoon, I think it all just set in that this whole thing is really happening. I will need to prepare myself in less than two weeks to have both of my breasts removed. They removed the entire tissue from the collar bone to underneath the breast and remove the nipple as well. I don't think it would be too bad if they were able to leave the nipple. Atleast it would look like I had something. All I could do today is cry. I went into work and every time I would try to talk to someone, the tears would start flowing. And not the regular tears, but the big alligator tears. I couldn't catch my breath in some instances. For those of you who really know me, know that I don't like to be weak like that. Not that I am ashamed or think that it is bad to cry and show emotion, but I feel like the only way I am going to get through this is to remain positive and strong. Everyone tells me that it is ok and that I am allowed to feel this way and I know that it is ok. I just don't like not being in control of the situation and I don't like the fact that I am having a hard time concentrating at work. We are so short staffed and there are so many things going on right now that I feel like I am bailing on them. I guess I will have to work through that one as well.