My Journey

On this blog I intend to document my journey through Breast Cancer again. Yes again. This will be my second go with this disease and I figured this would be a great way to communicate with my family and friends and keep them informed as to what is going on with me.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

It finally hits me!

I spoke with my Oncologist Tuesday evening and then met with my surgeon yesterday afternoon to get a game plan going. I was at the Dr's office 3 and 1/2 hours!! Basically he just went over that I do indeed have cancer and that there really is no choice, but to have a Mastectomy. I spoke to him about the possibilities of having a double Mastectomy for a couple of different reasons. One: I don't want to have to worry about cancer in the other breast. Although they say that it doesn't reduce the risk of getting it again. Not sure the reasoning behind it, but if they are going to take the one because it will get rid of the cancer, then take the other one too!!! Two: Ladies, you will understand this one. Let's just say I only had one removed and I am a little older and gravity sets in. I would look mighty ridiculous with one perky silicone breast and one saggy natural breast don't you think? I know that I am getting into the vanity side of it and I shouldn't worry about all that, but I just know that once they are gone, my self esteem is going to suffer and atleast I have something to look forward to. I will feel like a woman again.

I am having my oopharectomy (ovary removal) on September 8th at 1pm. This will be one night stay in the lovely St. Vincent's Hospital. Then the following Tuesday, September 12th at 1:45pm, I will have my double Mastectomy and a port inserted, so that they can administer the chemo. This will also require a one night stay, but at the lovely Baptist Hospital. 2 different hospitals and 2 different types of Dr's are the reasons for that. I could have gone to another gynecologist within Baptist Hospital, but that would have prolonged things as I would have to set up appointments, get their opinion, etc. I just don't want to wait on all that. I am just ready to get this thing moving!! So last night after my mom and I left the hospital, I think that it finally hit us both!! Everything starting to sink in. I started experiencing some anxiety or "something" earlier this week. Monday night I only slept about 3 hours. Tuesday night I had broken sleep which was caused from a bad dream.

I dreamed that I was lying on the operating table and that my Doctor made his Laproscopic incision which is about an inch long on my belly. He began to pull my ovary out of that hole and show it to me. YES I WAS AWAKE!!! I could see the organ and how it was attached to this thin muscle and when he pulled it tight, he took a razor blade and sliced the ovary off. I could feel the burning sensation. No bleeding just uncomfortable pain. Needless to say I was a bit freaked out when I woke up. Which is really weird cause I really don't think that I am worried about that surgery. Matter of fact once I get rid of this ovary it will eliminate alot of the current issues I have been having. Abdominal pain, bloating, digestive issues (not going any further with that one), lower back pain, irregular periods. I will be SOOOO GLAD when it is gone!!

So after seeing the surgeon yesterday afternoon, I think it all just set in that this whole thing is really happening. I will need to prepare myself in less than two weeks to have both of my breasts removed. They removed the entire tissue from the collar bone to underneath the breast and remove the nipple as well. I don't think it would be too bad if they were able to leave the nipple. Atleast it would look like I had something. All I could do today is cry. I went into work and every time I would try to talk to someone, the tears would start flowing. And not the regular tears, but the big alligator tears. I couldn't catch my breath in some instances. For those of you who really know me, know that I don't like to be weak like that. Not that I am ashamed or think that it is bad to cry and show emotion, but I feel like the only way I am going to get through this is to remain positive and strong. Everyone tells me that it is ok and that I am allowed to feel this way and I know that it is ok. I just don't like not being in control of the situation and I don't like the fact that I am having a hard time concentrating at work. We are so short staffed and there are so many things going on right now that I feel like I am bailing on them. I guess I will have to work through that one as well.

11 Comments:

At 11:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tasha,

I don't even know where to begin. First of all I want you to know that I am here for you whenever and whereever you may need me/us (Eric, Savannah and Isabella). Through the years you have become one of the strongest woman I have ever known. I have put you on the prayer line and I know you will be able to beat this once again. We all love you very much and know that God is on your side.

Love,
Kelly

 
At 12:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tasha-I was shocked when Kelly shared your news earlier today. I echo others' comments that you are a very strong woman. I was so impressed when I saw you in February with everything you are doing for others to inspire and comfort them in their struggles. Now it's your turn to be comforted. I have faith that you will beat this disease. You are in my prayers...

Lisa

 
At 1:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tasha,

I don't you all that well aside from the Daytona trip in '98 and being in Kelly's wedding but I want you to know that I will be praying for you. You've beaten the battle once and I have faith you will succeed again. GOD BLESS!

Karen P.

 
At 8:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are an inspiration to all. I think you are a very strong woman and I know you can overcome this battle. You have family, friends and God on you side. Do not worry about work it will be there when you return...
Pam

 
At 11:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Natasha, we all love you so much and honestly cannot imagine what you are going through. I do know that you have showed your faith in God through this whole ordeal. Faith in God does not mean strong all the time. You have to know that it is ok to let yourself feel all of the normal feelings anyone would have under these circumstances. You must know that when you feel the peace of the Lord, it is his victory. You win everytime you get to that point...so the fear and the sadness is all part of the process for you to draw closer to him. I KNOW he will bring you through this and when he does, there will be such a testimony you will bring to his people and furthering HIS kingdom. Lean on us Natasha, let us take some of the burden....that is why you have brothers and sisters in Christ. Love you more than you know......

Vicki

 
At 2:44 PM, Blogger moon said...

I am just a distant unknown voice reading your story. I can only be inspired by your courage and know by your telling and those of your dear friends and family that you are a very strong woman. That being said...you also need to let your emotions come through...if it needs to cry, let it...if it needs to yell, let it, if it needs to moarn let it....it is telling you that it needs to Feel all these things...It does not mean you're losing control, it is just letting your body do what it is telling you it needs too...so it will better be able to heal what is hurting it. It may seem like such a simple concept but it's also very true.
You are in my prayers.....

 
At 3:57 PM, Blogger Marie said...

The sad thing is that I'm already crying as I type this! As your "earthly" sister, words can never express how proud I am of you. You are the bravest person I know and I am so very sorry that you are having to experience this again. I wish I could do something to share the burden, to help take some of this from you, got to work for you...something to relieve your stress and anxiety. As your "sister in Christ", please know that I am praying for you and I believe it and claim it in HIS name that you will overcome this...one way or another. The good news is regardless of what happens, Satan has already been defeated. Two thousand years ago, on a cross, he lost his power over you and Christ stood up for you, bled for you and died for you so that you will always be able to stand up to Satan and say "NO MORE"

I love you Natasha and I look forward to seeing you and taking care of you...it's time that I was able to repay your kindness to me!

 
At 11:38 PM, Anonymous Aunt Cheryle said...

Tasha,
I can't tell you that I know how you feel because I don't. My only encounter with the big bad "C" was when I had the beggining stages of cervical cancer when I was 25. That's a long time ago and I know that great strides in medical knowledge has occured since then. I just Thank God that my experience wasn't full blown back then. I can only pray for you and Love you just as you are. God understands every tear that you cry, even if no one else is around. It seems like our family has been through the tornados of life in these past 2 years. God has seen us through them all though. In Him is your strength, in our weaknesses, He is made strong, as He makes us strong enough to carry the burdens He has allowed us to carry. You don't know what an inspiration you are to others, and you may never know much you have helped others in this situation. Our trials in this life only lets us know that GOD thinks we are worthy enough to go through them. What a wonderful testimony you already have and will have again when God sees you through this storm of life. I'm praying for you more than you know and I am requesting prayer for you at every church I visit. I Love You my sweet niece. You truly are an inspiration to me, showing courage and strength in what you are going through. Don't ever give up in this fight, because when you do, you will have lost the battle. Remember, GOD truly does have the last word in EVERYTHING. Tell your Mom hi for me and that I Love her.

 
At 1:31 AM, Anonymous Grandma Colter said...

My precious Natash:
Oh what a precious gift and inspiration you are to us all. I do not know that I would have the strength and courage that you have had. I pray that I could. I can not even begin to understand what you , your mother or Darryl are going through. I can only say that I will be here for you, all you need is to call. I am so glad that your are surrounded by a good christian family at church, giving you support. Your testimony will touch many lives and will help many a woman or girl facing the same situatian, I am proud to say that you are my grandaughter. I know the fears you and your mother have had to deal with, and they are not easy to handle. Thank God for victory today and a new future for you. You can not bottle up the tears, just because you cry does not mean you are not strong. I admire you girl, and Jenny says to let you know she loves you. It is only through God guiding the physicians hand ,and a positive attitude on your part that all is well. i am sorry that I was unable to be there the day of surgery and hold your hand.
Keep up the good fight and one day you will be able to say as Paul did, I have fought the good fight.
I love you Tasha
Grandma Colter

 
At 12:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Tasha,

I just wanted to tell you that I keep you in my prayers. I also know that you are a strong person but being strong doesn't mean that you can't show emotion. I agree with "moon"; your body will tell you what it needs to do, if it needs to cry, then cry. It is a part of the process.

Just know that there are a lot of people who care for you and are on your Team....I am one of them.

Please let me know if there is anything I can do.

Kelley U.

 
At 8:51 PM, Blogger Chris said...

Sis,
I hope you know how much I love you and how proud of you I am. You came through this once like a champ, and I know you will again. And I hope you know that no matter what, I will be here for you.
Love always, your big bro.

 

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